Whisks and Strains

What?! Is she using the dollar store spatula? We need to organize.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I'm serious. I'm tired of hanging around doing nothing. Don't you get tired of being a pretty face? There is strength in numbers my brother.

Well, if you're serious we're gonna need help.
We need to get hold of Norma Cooking Spray. She is something I tell ya. It don't matter what kinda of food they throw at us, with her around it won't stick.

*long whistle* Norma Non-Stick Cooking Spray. The big guns. Now you're thinkin'.

We're gonna need to make a list of demands and recruit the other utensils.

Yeah, yeah, we can put picket signs on the back of those big slotted red spoons. I mean they're in the same boat. Except instead of hanging up they are arranged in a pretty vase. Who says you can't be good lookin' and functional? Man, when are they gonna learn.

Hey, the little boy with poppy seeds on his nose and cheeks with blueberries for eyes uses us. Those are his happiest moments. Mine too.

You know who else uses us? The mrs. brother. When he house sits he shows us off for the ladies. They're so pretty they could be displayed.

Mm huh....He cooks gourmet too. I mean he has pride in his cooking skills. Only the best for him. Everyone is happy until we have to look at his hairy ass. Then being up high aint such a good place to be.

Eww, enough of that. O.K. who else can we recruit. How about the copper molds hanging over the stove?

I don't know. They are a bit different if you know what I mean. Have you seen the salmon mousse, when she makes it? It's creepy. It's this ugly pink with olives for eyes and she uses almonds for scales.

Sick.

Then the jello mold is fine, but sometimes she puts carrots in it. Why? Why do they do that?

Alright, we'll put them on the reserve list.

What about the knives in the drawer?

They're dull.

No shit man..what about the turkey baster?

Sucker.

Alright, what's in the bottom drawer by the back door?

That's the graveyard drawer. Once they go in, you never see them again. They got some good looking things in there. Do you remember those party dudes?

Party dudes?

Yeah, the gin and Titonic ice cubes guys. They were the hit of the party.

The party where everyone came over to watch a movie. The one with Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio?

Yup, that's the one. The next day. Gone. Gone to the drawer. Every now and again when it's really quiet you can hear their voices chanting. I'm king of the drawer. If that aint scary enough you start to hear Celine Dion sing.

*shudders*

O.K. we make the list and start working on our collective bargaining agreement. We gotta be smart.

Why?

Cause if the mallets get wind of this we could be toast. No offense bread.

What do you mean?

They are part of the goon squad. They will try to can us before we even get going. Have you seen them go to town on a chicken breast? It's rough and the mrs. she uses them all the time. They are some cocky sons of bitches.

I don't know this is getting dangerous.

You in or not? Once we start there's no going back.

I'm in. Make the call.

Hello, Norma. We need your help.

Retail Therapy

I know, I know. I am on a therapy blogging mission and there are so many people willing to help. Let me explain....

Yesterday I went to the mall to buy mall gift certificates for my two oldest sons. I know it's not the most original gift, but they need clothes and hate what I would pick. I can't bring myself to buy what they would pick, soooo...I let them pick it. I will put socks and underwear in their stockings. Everyone wins!

As I walk in the mall I notice signs announcing auditions for the television show The Super Nanny. Ut-oh...isn't that retail therapy taken to the extreme. I believe they are asking for trouble. First of all, the sign says to bring the whole family. If you can't manage your family at home, how will you manage them when you are standing in line with a million other families with behavior issues? I would not want to be in a 10 mile radius of the mall on that day.

The second problem, is the local news will surely be there. If you don't make it on the show to be cured the whole town will know. Then your odds of your family getting better have diminished, but your odds of being on the Jerry Springer show just increased. Hmmm..maybe I am reading too much into this.

Anyway, I am still shivering with the thoughts of crazy people in a mall already full of crazy people when this guy says, "Excuse me, can I ask you something?", in his best carnival voice. Of course I go over because I am still in shock. It's a salesman from one of the carts in the middle of the aisle. He wants to see my hands. My hands and nails are bad. My fingernails are very short. There isn't even the white part to them. I have to keep them like that or I can't do deep tissue massage without puncturing vital organs. I can't seem to make them smooth and nice with all the clipping and filing I do.

He then asks me if I know about the Dead Sea? Alright, this is an ambush. I look around for the camera to see if they are auditioning people for the show, Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?. Yes, I am familiar with the dead sea. I bluff. Well, I do know the name, I know approximately where it is. It's the lowest point on the face of the earth. I then start the I am a very busy person shuffle. He senses it and goes right to work on my thumb, filing and buffing.

He did his thing, then put some cuticle oil on and voila! I'll be a son of a gun. I am amazed. I am thrilled. I will yell out his name in the middle of the mall. My thumb nail looks good. No, it looks great and shiny too! I buy this stuff and it aint cheap, to me at least. Then he shows me this salt, from the Dead Sea where I still maintain I know something about it. I do the scrub and then he puts on this miracle lotion. Wow, I am amazed and thrilled. Again. I am not kidding.

This little dude from Israel was good. This is the web site. http://www.seacretspa.com/ I bought the nail kit. Now I am the first to confess I don't know very much about glamour products so if you know I can do something else a whole lot cheaper with the same results, then tell me. No, don't tell me. Yes, tell me. My nails are so shiny and smooth around the edges.

I like to think I made a new friend and learned a little bit about the Dead Sea. For instance....Cleopatra was known to nurture her beauty there from time to time, and now I can do the same without making a pilgrimage. It was truly my lucky day!
I really don't like shopping and wish I was on the show, "The Real Housewives of Spokane County"..where they come to my house and I shop. I will have to put in a pitch to Bravo TV to see if I qualify. I kind of think I don't, but in my dreams I do. What is more therapeutic than dreams?

So, there you go. I left with my two gifts for my sons and wonderful, smooth looking hands and nails. You can be lucky too. I have one other shopping tip for you because you are my friends. At least three times a week I get an e-mail alerting me to the land rush in Brazil. Go purchase some property and tell them Kelly sent you.
Adeus e bom sorte!

P.S. the picture really has nothing to do with the article. It just made me laugh.